We all fight with conflicting sides of ourselves. Everyday we make choices as to who we want to be. Sometimes the good wins and sometimes the bad overcomes us. We hope that the good is strong enough to persevere, and each time that it does, it gets a bit stronger. There is nothing stopping us from one day stepping off the edge and choosing to be a side of ourselves that we have not yet acknowledged. We can only hope that we continually have the strength to choose the more positive option.
After my mom moved to Africa, I was left in the deceivingly calm wake left by my family's chaos. I was torn between feeling relieved that I was finally able to live my life free of their drama and feeling completely broken by the fact that I was truly alone. This began my stage of redeveloping how I saw myself and how I related to myself and the world around me. For so long, I was living just to survive the ups and downs created by my family. My life was riding their roller coaster and I was simply reacting to each curve they threw at me. At last, I was on my own left to figure out what path my own life would take. Derailing from the ride they had me on filled me with a sense of freedom but also dread. Who am I without them? What lifestyle will I choose to live without them? Can I even survive without them?
I go back and forth between the person they made me and the one that I am slowly developing into. In no way do I regret all of the traveling I have done. It taught me so much about the world and my place in it. I have however, realized that my instability left me feeling disconnected and hollow. There were no ties connecting me to any one place or any one community. I had not stopped moving since I was 16 years old, and as I sat in Buena Vista trying to find myself, I realized that I didn't have a well defined self. Erin could be a school teacher in Luxeuil Les Bains France, sitting in cafes for hours, taking dance classes and going to art clubs. She could also be a mountaineer in Chile, camping above tree line in blizzards, climbing rock faces and trekking through the Andes. I had so many identities that I had lost any sense of self. Through my travels, I had proved that I could be anybody, that I could fit in anywhere and that I could survive anything. Figuring out what I really wanted to be doing was a much more challenging task.
Whether I was running from my past, proving my ability to survive or trying to gain my family's approval, I had never been living for myself. I was tired. I was broken down. I was lost, and I was very lonely. As I slowly relaxed into my life in Buena Vista, I started to uncover the person I was before I jumped on the crazy ride around the world. I was a small town girl who craved community and connection. More than anything, I wanted to belong somewhere and be cared about. Sometimes the flighty traveler in me still takes over and tries to convince me that I will never belong anywhere and that I will never grow roots anywhere. She tries to pull me away from my grounded state and throw me back onto the roller coaster. It is not easy to convince myself that I am capable of having a home.
The person that I am becoming wants more than anything to have a home. I want to be a stable support to others and find a stable support system for myself. There is nothing easy about trusting my ability to do this. I know how to survive in foreign countries and how to live alone, but I don't know how to be a part of a stable community. I am afraid of getting too close to people and losing them again or worse hurting them. I don't believe myself when I say I want to be there for others. Nothing in my past has proven that I make a stable or reliable friend. One day I am there and the next I am on the other side of the world recreating my life somewhere else. All that I can do is start every day by focusing on the person I want to be and believing that I am capable of being her.
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