The Path

When I go through times of change that bring on feelings of doubt and fear, I tend to long for a sense of control.  Control creates a false sense of security and certitude which may temporarily lessen fear.  I seek out this control in many different ways; signing up for a program that guarantees my path for at least a year, making a commitment to a new lease, clinging to a relationship to keep me grounded, turning towards work to ensure that I have somewhere stable to go everyday.  All of these things can bring me an instant feeling of control.  Control over where I am living, control over what I am doing everyday, control over a routine that will be present for a duration of time.  The problem with immediately turning towards control in times of change is that it may close your eyes to the path you are meant to take.

I currently lost the apartment that I was renting due to a drastic raise in rent.  At first, I felt a sense of panic.  It was a reminder that I am not grounded in this world and don't have a secure home.  I was reminded once again that this home isn't mine and I don't belong.  As an immediate fix to this feeling of disconnect, I went on a desperate quest to buy a house.  I thought that the only way I was going to fix this feeling of not belonging was to secure myself a home.  Well, being alone and having only one part time employment worthy of putting on a loan application made it impossible for me to buy any more than a single wide trailer.  Shit, can't buy a home.

As I was frantically trying to rally up roommates and options for houses to rent, I started to realize that I had no control over the situation; rental owners wouldn't call me back, potential roommates would have leases for another two months, friends renting houses had all their rooms filled and I couldn't do a thing about it.  I don't do well when I don't have the ability to make things happen in my life.  I hate waiting for phone calls.  I hate waiting on other people to get a job done.  I hate needing something from someone else to do what I need to do.  There was no way I could make the rental owner call me back.  There was no way I could make my friend's lease end earlier, and there was no way I could kick one of my friend's tenants out of their house.  Control was utterly and completely out of my hands.

This is when I realized that forcing matters was not getting me anywhere fast.  Craving control was only making me crazy with worry.  So, I am currently letting go of the situation.  If someone doesn't call me back, I figure there is a very good reason for it and that something better will come along.  If there is not room in my friend's house, I figure there must be a good reason why we shouldn't live together.  If my friend can't get our of her lease early, then there must be a good reason why we shouldn't move into a house immediately.  When you can't change the situation you are in, stop pushing so hard, sit back, open your eyes and try to see which way your path was meant to go.

No amount of control is going to alter the destiny of your life.  If you are able to use brute force and determination to steal the reins from destinies hands to create your own path, then you will probably find yourself more lost than ever.  I only hope that in times like these I can have the patience and wisdom to know that my path will reveal itself to me.  Whether we fight for control or not, somehow we always end up right where we are supposed to be.