New Beginnings

New Beginnings always start with a goodbye.  A goodbye to the life you had before embarking on your newest adventure.  Goodbye to the community that you belonged to.  Goodbye to the routine that you had become accustomed to.  And, most importantly, goodbye to the ones you cared about.  Jack represents so much more than a single goodbye.  He represents my goodbye not only to my best friend, but also to the lifestyle that I was trying to create.

When I picked Jack out at the pound, he was a symbol of my commitment.  He was going to be the anchor that held me sturdy.  He was going to provide stability and routine.  Choosing to adopt him was my way of saying, "I'm here for the long run."  He ate my $150 sunglasses and picked fights with other dogs.  I left him inside too long and accidentally sliced his paw open with my skis.  We both gave and took and slowly learned to love each other.  It was through Jack that I learned that unconditional love really is possible.

It is hard to imagine someone loving you no matter what you do.  Growing up, I lived in fear of saying the wrong thing or doing the wrong thing and potentially becoming unlovable.  I had no concept of unconditional. Leave it to a dog to teach you that even when you are so angry you could squeeze their eyeballs out, you still love them with your whole heart.  It took Jack a long time to settle in with me.  He had been adopted out two times before and was returned because of his "flaws."  After about a year, he finally began to relax and trust that at last a human loved him for who he was and would be there for him forever.  Or so he thought.

As the car drove away from Jack, I felt my heart cave in upon itself.  I choked on my own sobs and lost sight of reality swamped in by tears.  I was not only failing Jack but myself.  The one thing that I needed to feel in my own life is what I was taking away from him, my unconditional love and presence.  I had failed at giving the one thing that I needed most.  How can you ask to receive what you are unable to give?  My wanderlust had once again dug its claws into my heart and torn me away from the home that I had created.  It is both my inspiration and my handicap.  Without it my fire dies and with it my heart constantly breaks.

Being back in Europe has awakened my spirit and filled me with joy, but it is not without consequences.  It is in reflecting on what is left behind that I doubt my spirit's ability to guide me to love.  Is this lifestyle able to harbor relationships or will it continue to break them on its uneasy shores?