I have been confronted with many identity issues since moving to Switzerland. I sometimes find myself thinking, "why didn't I just stay at home where everyone is American and I understand how things are done and why they are done that way. I understand the school system and everyone in my classes would speak English and I wouldn't have to work so hard." This week I had a teacher question my ability to succeed in her class due to language barriers. I am the least prepared for the class academically, socially, and linguistically. I am not a native speaker, I did not do my undergrad in a French speaking country, and I have never studying phonetics or linguistics before. The world around me suddenly became very dark and daunting and I felt all alone. It would have been easy for me to give in to the darkness and say, "you're right, I don't belong here. I should go back to where life was easy." But, I didn't.
First, I tuned out all of the opinions I was hearing around me; "you can't do this, you aren't prepared, you don't belong, Americans are bad at languages,........... "shhhhh quiet". Then, I sat in silence and enjoyed the calm of a quiet head, "ahhhhh they're gone." Now, I started to listen to my own voice and ask the important questions; "why am I doing this, what am I good at, what will this master's do for me?" And I waited for the answers to become clear. "I am a student, I am here to learn French, I am capable of anything, I am great at teaching languages and this master's will allow me to do what I love at a higher level." Once the decision was made, my path became clearer. The school hallways became lighter and my classmates opened up and started to offer help and advice. All of a sudden the resources that I needed to succeed appeared in front of me. It took a moment of doubt for me confirm my place here in Switzerland. Once I made up my own mind that I was here to succeed, the path to success opened before me.
My identity crisis did not stop at student. It carried on to the identity of "American abroad". This means accepting all of the negative identities projected on Americans and rejecting them as being my own. Americans have a lot of work to do in establishing better foreign relations and those of us who venture out into foreign lands stumble into the brunt of this job. Most Americans are safe at home surrounded by other Americans enjoying not facing the reality of what our country has become. We are not liked!!! I respect and encourage any American who is actively participating in the world around them and reestablishing real connections with foreigners. It is not an easy job. Everyday, I hear things like; we are the most violent nation, we value capitalism, we are the biggest consumers, we are wasteful, we use force and violence to steal the resources we need, and the list goes on for miles. The worst part of it all, is that it's true. Despite the fact that many of us surround ourselves with individuals who are trying to change these generalizations and live differently, we are still part of a country that, as a whole, carries this negative identity. We as a nation have a huge job of re-identification to do. Most Europeans feel that if there is another world war nobody would come to the aid of the U.S. Part of me says, I don't blame them.
I thought that staying in my little town and changing the way I lived would be enough to make a difference in altering the "American way." It's not. We need to change how we act at home and abroad. We need to carry our positive energy outwards and re-establish relations with our neighbors. We need to apply the same strategy that I applied for determining that I was going to stay here to how America is going to determine its new role in the world. We all need to tune out what everyone has been telling us about who we are, reflect on what we want to become, identify with it, and carry it out into the world around us. We need to transform what the word "American" means.
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