human relationships

My best friend has been dealing with the impending death of her father which has been looming over her family for the past few months, and today, he passed away.  Talking with her through this process has brought up many questions concerning human relationships and how to deal with their impermanence.  We tend to put a lot of weight on our relationships and allow them to play a key role in our happiness.  We spend hours of our day contemplating, talking about, and acting on behalf of our relationships.  Yet, relationships are tied together with fragile strings that break and burn with ease.  If it is the fate of every human relationship to end, then why do we cling to them with such intensity?

Connections between beings are powerful teaching tools that allow us to learn more about ourselves through how we relate to others.  The fact that they are impermanent does not mean that we should never invest in them.  It simply means that we need to take a more realistic approach to their importance.  Allowing one or several relationships to control how comfortable or secure we feel in life, will inevitably leave us feeling vulnerable and scared.  We need to make peace with the fact that a relationship is not the be all end all of our existence.  They are beautiful additions to our time here and offer us more opportunities for self discovery, but they are not the only thing that defines us.

The process of my friend losing her father was more beautiful than painful.  She had the opportunity to tell him that he could leave peacefully knowing that he was not indispensable to her happiness.  She gave him freedom by letting him know that she could live just as happily without him here.  This is something that many of us forget to do for our loved ones who are still living.  Instead of telling them that we love their company but do not need it to be happy, we tell them that we could not live without them.  These words trap a person into a role too large for any person to fill.  No one can be there for you forever.  No one should be made the keeper of your happiness and well being.

The exaggerated importance of relationships has been made more apparent to me as I am approaching 30.  People always ask me if I want to get married and have children so that I can have a family of my own.  They give me ideas on how to meet men and reassure me with comments like, "you'll find the one soon."  But what if I don't need to find the one?  Most people assume that if you are not in a relationship, you must be looking for one, but why?  A relationship is not what will complete my life. Our society sees relationships as a solution to uncertainty.  They are meant to clarify our role in the world and provide us with stability.  But how can something that is inherently unstable be considered the foundation of our existence?  Of course I hope to experience love throughout my life, but I am not sure that I want it to fit our society's definition of relationship.  I am content being alone, and I hope that if I do find one person to love, that I will find stability from my own two feet and simply appreciate my partner for what he adds to my already complete and balanced existence.