State of Bliss

I was just confronted with my own fear of impermanence as it created huge waves in the stillness of my heart.  The concept of living in the present moment means accepting the ever changing nature of all things and that the only real truth is what we are living right here and right now.  However, our minds love to live in a land of hypotheticals creating stories and predictions about how we want things to be tomorrow, next year, or forever.  It makes us feel secure to know what our future holds and have control over how it plays out.  When this security is threatened, we can turn into very scary creatures trying to defend the hypothetical life we created. 

I faced this daunting creature this weekend when my image of an ideal future was being threatened.  I met a very fantastic man who made me feel amazing and lit up my world for a few weeks.  It seemed as though he was the manifestation of all that I had said I wanted in a man.  As with most beginnings, I only thought about the moment at hand and didn’t ask too many questions.  In this moment of bliss I didn’t care about the future or the past, only what was happening right here with this new person.  I was open and curious and willing to try anything.  There were no expectations or internal demands because I hadn’t had time to make them.  I easily tricked myself into feeling as though this could continue into the future. 

Then, reality hit and my mind took over.  All of a sudden I wanted him to be the one and my innocent bliss was smothered.  The reality that he was leaving in a month created a dark cloud over my world and prevented me from seeing clearly.  I could no longer appreciate what I was living now because I was worried about what would happen in the hypothetical future.  My desire to control the situation and know the outcome hindered my ability to simply experience what was happening to me now.  The expectation that he should be available to me forever made me lose him today.  I began to see him as someone who had used me and mistreated me. 

Neither of these things were true.  The truth was that he had been fully present with me for those few wonderful days.  He had given me his full heart for that short amount of time and really looked deeply into who I was.  There was nothing negative about the actual experience.  The only negativity came from my expectations for a hypothetical future that will never manifest anyways.  Beginnings are always blissful because we have not created all of these false perceptions and expectations that blind us from the truth.  If we could live fully present in what we are experiencing now without allowing our mind to invent all of these hypothetical possibilities for the future, then maybe we could live in that beginning state of bliss forever.