Freedom

 Freedom

Touch the sky

soar free from doubt and fear

leave worry behind

reach towards the unknown

clutch not to old plans

for they are chained to the ground

dwell not on past events

for they suffocate bright futures

a better place awaits 

where dreams fill open minds

love runs like water

smiles shine bright as stars

let soar your hidden hopes

free your tangled spirit

play amongst the clouds

and touch the unknown sky.

My dad never tried to contact me after I moved up to Buena Vista.  I made excuses for why I could not return home for the holidays, and the only person who seemed to care was my mom.  She would tell me that my dad missed me and that he would be happy to have me home for Thanksgiving and Christmas, but I knew he was indifferent.  This wasn't the first time I spent the holidays without my family.  I had been living on my own off and on since I was 16.  This was however, the first time that it was possible for me to return home and yet, I made the decision not to.  Holidays are a crazy concept.  If you have a family that you love, then they are a time of love, joy and sharing.  If your family is too far away for you to spend time with, then you are reminded of how much their presence is missed and how important they are to you.  If you don't have a family or you have a family that you dislike, then the holidays simply remind you of what you are missing.  People constantly ask; "where is your family?  Why aren't you with them today?"  It becomes tedious to constantly make up reasons why you can't spend the holidays with your family when really it is because home is no longer a safe place for you to be.  For me, holidays are simply a nagging reminder that my family isn't a positive presence in my life.

A couple days after Thanksgiving, my mom came up to visit me.  She showed up smelling like alcohol.  Her incessant trips to the bathroom only reinforced my suspicion that she was not sober.  She told me how great things were at home and how good Rich was doing in Salida where he had recently moved.  By this point, I knew not to believe her skewed perspective of our families well being.  After she had gotten a bit braver from the alcohol, she began to question my motives for not wanting to come home.  What could I say to her?  I love my mom; I always will.  I never wanted to hurt her, but she could not accept that I had chosen to walk away from our family.

"You abandoned us.  You have been abandoning us since you were 16.  You had such a great life.  We have done so much for you.  We gave you the freedom to travel the world.  You  are so selfish.  Family sticks together.  You owe us more than this."  I could see that there was anger and pain behind her words.  I could also hear that my father was speaking through her.  Her words were no longer her own.  I tried to explain that I did what I had to to move forward with my personal healing.  I tried to explain that I loved her and was tired of hoping for change that wouldn't happen.  I tried to tell her that this wasn't an easy choice.  She only heard that I was giving up on the family and abandoning her.

"You are being a selfish bad daughter.  Your role is to be there for us whether times are good or bad.  That's what family does.  Your dad is changing, he's getting better.  Your brother did so much for you and this is how you repay him.  You had a good life.  We gave you a good life.  How can you do this to us?"  My mom couldn't see past her own hurt to realize that I was doing the only thing that would free me from the grasp of our dysfunctional family.  This was the only way I could save myself.  I tried to remember the mom that sang me to sleep at night and protected me from any harm that might come my way.  I tried to remember that the woman standing before me had been taken over by the abuse of my father.  I tried to separate myself from what she was saying to me, because it was not what a mom who wanted the best for her daughter would say.

"I love you mom, but I have to do this for myself.  I want to keep a relationship with you, but it would have to be separate from dad and Rich."  She looked at me like I had stabbed her in the stomach while looking her straight in the eye.  She looked at me like I was the one person responsible for all her pain.  It took all I had not to turn back on my decision and apologize for being selfish, take her in my arms and tell her that everything would be alright, that I would come back home and that we could all be a family again.  I loved her so much and wanted her to be o.k., but I knew that the price I would have to pay would be a sacrifice of my own healing and happiness.  I was no longer willing to sacrifice myself for my family.

I watched my mom drive away back to her abusive home.  My heart burned with regret, maybe I could have done more.  There was nothing more I could have done.  She had made her choice. She would sacrifice everything to be with my father; her freedom, her voice, her happiness and her children.