Wanting to cut off all ties with my family, I began to think about what it would look like to be alone in the world. Although the help that they gave me had been very conditional, it had still been some form of assistance. This decision would mean that I would be cutting myself away from every safety line I had, dependable or not. My solution to not receiving help when I needed it, was to never need it. I had to shed all of my vulnerabilities and become entirely independent and self sustainable. Being weak or needy was not an option. For this, I thank my family. They forced me into becoming the strong and independent woman I am today.
While I was traveling the world moving place to place running from my family, I was only making myself weaker. I had no comfort, no support system and no financial security. This may have been an immediate escape from my family, but it was not helping me to become permanently independent from them. It was only wearing me down to the point that I would be forced to crawl back to them sick and broke taking whatever help they would give me to get back on my feat. I was still at their mercy. If I was going to make this a durable break, then I was going to have to start leading a life that I could maintain. I needed to develop comfort, a support system and financial security for myself so that I would never have to ask my family for help again. This is what I have spent the last two years developing here in Buena Vista.
Although Rich had provided me with a roof over my head and my first circle of friends in Buena Vista, it became very clear that he was still not capable of being the supportive brother that I so needed. He had begun to drink again, which was never a good combination with his explosive personality. As his mood and health began to decline, I made the distance between us larger and larger. After 6 months, we hardly saw each other any more. I heard reports from friends that his behavior was becoming worrisome and that he was beginning to pull away from his healthy relationships. I had not returned home for Thanksgiving or Christmas making my decision to separate from my family indisputably evident.
On my birthday, I had a small party with friends after which we were all going to a local bar to see a band. Two weeks earlier, I had started to see this guy Mark and he was coming as my date to the party. My friends had put a lot of effort into making my party enjoyable and we were all in a state of bliss as we entered the bar to begin our night of dancing. Mark and I were dancing together when I saw my brother, who I hadn't seen in a few months, approaching with a dazed look in his eyes. He grabbed my arm and tried to pull me away from Mark, but I refused to go. He stormed off into the back of the bar. My fear began to escalate; I knew how much Rich hated to be disobeyed and the alcohol in his system would only increase the unpredictability of his reactions. Panic was beginning to close in on me. Breathing became a heavy burden and my head began to swim with the flight response. I just wanted to leave.
"No Erin it's your birthday. He won't do anything. Lets stay and have a good time." Mark calmly convinced me to continue dancing, and for a few moments I was able to relax back into the fun evening. Fifteen minutes later I saw Rich barreling through the crowd back towards us. His eyes were watery with alcohol and they burned with rage. This was the look he got when he had found a target for his anger. He grabbed my arm and pulled me aside before lunging at Mark and shoving him in the chest.
"Are you Fucking my sister!!? Who do you think you are? You Dumb Fuck!!" Rich was spitting in Mark's face burning him with his fire ridden eyes.
"I'll take you right now you mother Fucker, lets go. Do you want to fight!!?" Rich shoved Mark again as Mark stood there completely bewildered as to why this person he had never met was threatening to beat him up. Knowing that Rich's rage had nothing to do with Mark, I stepped in between them as my friends tried to pull Rich away. I looked right into Rich's face and asked, "What are you doing? Rich, what are you doing?" I tried to sound as calm and caring as I could to prove to him that he had no reason to act this way. My heart completely stopped in my chest as he made one move towards me and then backed away. My body could no longer stand up against my panic. I began to hyperventilate and darkness was closing in around me. There is no way to describe a panic attack other than complete loss of control. You can't breath, you can't talk, the world goes bright and silent around you, you can't see or hear anything but fear. People try to talk you out of it, but you can't hear them. Your world is consumed by panic.
While I was outside leaned up against a car gasping for any tiny amount of air I could get, Rich was inside starting a fight with one of my friends. I found out later that Rich had to be escorted out of the bar and asked to never come back. This was my brothers last birthday present to me. This was the last interaction I have had with him in over a year and a half.
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