Anywhere

I had a professor at Fort Lewis college who, at one time, was my role model.  Her name was Josianne Peltier.  She was a spunky and wise 57 year old woman who arrived at the school around the same time I did.  My luck was incredible.  I couldn't have gotten a more appropriate language professor.  She was from France and had taught a wide range of subjects in universities around the world including Harvard.  Her resume must have been ten pages long with a list of subjects she had taught extending from level 1 French to Women's Literature taught to students in Japan.  In my eyes, she was the perfect example of who I aspired to be; independent, adventuresome, brilliant, courageous, worldly and an amazing leader.  How could you ask for anything more from a professor and role model?

It was because of Josianne that I ended up spending my year teaching in Luxeuil les Bains France.  She was the one who had handed me the application to the teacher's assistant program and written my recommendation.  I would spend hours in her office discussing my senior dissertation over a cup of coffee.  We spoke in French about all of her travels and my dreams of doing the same.  As she spoke of tiny villages in Japan and Finland, I pictured myself in her shoes; speaking 8 different languages, adapting to any culture that surrounded me and educating students with the knowledge I was slowly acquiring.  After I left Fort Lewis, I started out on my path to become Josianne Peltier.

After one year of teaching in France and five months teaching in Chile, I decided I wanted to get a master's in French.  For my application to CU Boulder's Masters program, I had to get teacher recommendations from my undergrad professors.  Josianne was literally the only professor I had taken French classes from and, as a French major, I had taken a lot of French classes.  I knew that she was going to have to be the one to write my recommendation.  Tracking her down was the hardest thing I have ever done.  I called Fort Lewis and they had no record of where she currently was.  The last place she had gone was Arizona.  I called the school in Arizona and they said she had left already and they weren't sure where she had gone.  I called one of my old class mates who had tried to stay in contact with her and she said the last she knew Josianne was in Arizona but that she had talked about moving back to Finland.  I finally found her at a private university in Finland and sent her an email asking for my recommendation.  She replied three weeks later asking for a photo, because she couldn't remember who I was.

I had called another professor for a recommendation, who I had only taken one course with, Bob Brooks.  He had moved on to a different school as well, but he immediately remembered who I was and specific details about how I had performed in his course.  Josianne, who I had spent two years with in at least two of her courses per semester, couldn't put a face to my name.   This is when it dawned on me.  Josianne was independent, courageous, adventuresome, worldly and brilliant, but she lacked something very crucial to personal growth; connection.  She had spent so long searching for her next destination that she forgot to embrace where she was.  Moving on became second nature, and although she could easily adapt to every location she moved to, she never actually connected anywhere.

Travelers who get the insatiable bug that pushes them to keep moving may discover some incredible places, but they may move too fast to make lasting connections with any of them.  I was guilty of being in one place while looking out the window towards anywhere else I could be next.  The drive to discover pulled me forward through my endless list of new destinations.  When we move too quickly, we miss out on the deeper connections in life;  the friendships that blossom with age, the trust that develops from security, the family that forms from community and the opportunities that appear with time.  Discovering new locations is incredible, but becoming acquainted with the deeper side of one location enriches life on a whole new level.

The Winds of Change

There comes a time in every life when the winds begin to change.  They may become a bit warmer, change direction, carry an extra crisp bite, slow down, speed up or simply whisper a slightly different tune.  Just as the winds bring in the new seasons, they also bring in the new stages in one's life.  I have been touched by the winds of change many times.  A slight change of the breeze can alter the direction a life has taken.  At the closing end of each of my different stages, there has been one specific moment when I realized something drastic was about to happen.  Maybe it came with the breeze or maybe it had always been there waiting for me to become aware of it.  Either way, these winds of change carry you from the end of one season to a fresh new beginning.

Unlike my previous winds of change which brought the urge to move on and follow my path to new destinations, these most current winds whispered a soothing wish to stay.  Never before have my winds come in slightly warmer and calmer gusts lulling me into a serine state of contentment.  Before this moment, they would always begin to pick up speed and blow consistently harder and colder until I grew tired and let them carry me to my next location.  I began to dread these winds knowing that they meant I would once again have to start over and recreate my life.  Last year, right around the time my winds usually start to howl, I felt nothing but a warm spring breeze opening the warm promising arms of summer.

Although this past cyclic change did not bring a drastic change to my location, it represented the most drastic change in my life so far.  I have never been the one to stay.  It was always easier for me to leave than to be left.  Leaving was my way of taking back control, staying one step ahead of everyone else, making sure that I would leave before anyone could leave me.  This time, I watched the winds pick up some of my friends and carry them on to new destinations as I sat feeling my roots creep under the top layer of earth.  I was finally at peace with being the one left behind, in fact, I was elated to be staying behind.  I had found my piece of heaven, my sanctuary, my home.

My friends laugh because they never thought they'd see the day when they would leave me knowing exactly where to find me when they came home.  I find great pleasure in knowing that I am now the peaceful retreat for my friends.  I am the reliable place where they can all come to find peace and recenter themselves.  My dearest friend Caitlin said that she calls my apartment in Buena Vista her little mountain retreat and every time she is feeling distressed she tells herself it is time to visit Erin.  This warms my heart.  Playing this new role fulfills every wish I could ever have.  I can now feel the changing winds and let them flow through my grounded branches as I watch all the other leaves flow around me.

Love?

"You will love but you will not possess."

"You will love but you will not be jealous."

"You will love but your love will not be need."

"You will relate but you will not depend."

I read these words in a book by Osho called, "Love, Freedom, Aloneness"  Throughout our journey in life, we are all slowly learning how to love not only ourselves but others.  The word "love" is used to describe many different emotions and physical states, but it is hard to pin point what the word really means.  In the dictionary, there are several definitions; a profoundly tender passionate affection for another person, sexual passion or desire, to need or require, benefit greatly from, to take great pleasure in.  All of these are true for what we describe with the word love, but not all states of love are healthy for us to be in.  For example, to need or require another person puts us in a very vulnerable and dependent position.  Sexual passion and desire can blind us from reality and rob us of our self awareness.  To benefit greatly from someone means that we are using them to fulfill a personal need.  How do we love without depending, using, needing and possessing?

There is no doubt in my mind that my family loved me.  Healthy or not, there is a bond between family members that cannot be broken.  When the love that you have received from your family is unhealthy, it takes a lot of work to redevelop your understanding of the feelings that are associated with the word.  Love to me meant a need that can't be fulfilled, it meant a responsibility to people who just keep taking, it meant staying in a harmful situation because you are dependent, and it meant that the other people possess a part of you.  After being told that love meant self sacrificing because of an obligation to always be there for the people who love you, I never wanted to feel love again.

I took back my power by deciding that I would never love.  If I never felt attached to anyone, then I could never be hurt by them.  It was the only way that I could reclaim myself.  For so long, I was whoever my family needed me to be.  By loving me only when I did what they wanted, they took away my freedom.  I didn't know it at the time, but my stage of complete selfish living was the first step to transforming the way I am capable of loving.  First, one must be free of all relationships that have boxed them in.  To find oneself, you have to be given the freedom to be selfish and find out who you are while standing alone.  I stood alone for many years; dating but never loving.  I had so much power and control when I felt nothing.  It was a very safe place for me to be; untouchable, unaffected, closed off and alone.  

When I painted this painting, I was dating someone who had been hurt as badly by his family as I had.  It was the first time that I wanted to have feelings for someone.  I knew what he was feeling and I wanted to fix it by loving him.  The only problem was that he was where I was a year earlier.  He constantly said things like: "I never want to fall in love, I don't want to be in a serious relationship, I only want to be selfish."  Watching him be in his closed off state shut down to all emotion and connection made me realize that this was not a state I wanted to remain in.  So, I started to transform the way I related to others.  I began to look at what I wanted love to mean to me.  How did I want to feel in love?  These words are what resonated through me when defining love.

I want to love someone without feeling jealousy.  I want to always be happy in their happiness.  I want to love without needing.  Being around the other person will always be a choice never an obligation.  I want to relate to them and never be dependent on them.  I know that I can stand alone.  I no longer need anyone.  My love will simply be based on the pleasure I feel when I am around them never the feeling that I cannot make it without them.  I want to love them without possessing them.  They will never belong to me.  They will have complete freedom as will I.  We will give one another the freedom to be oneself and we will continue to learn about one another and relate to one another in each transformation we go through.  Until I feel all of these things, I will not love.  Now that I have the choice, this is the only love I want in my life.