Love?

"You will love but you will not possess."

"You will love but you will not be jealous."

"You will love but your love will not be need."

"You will relate but you will not depend."

I read these words in a book by Osho called, "Love, Freedom, Aloneness"  Throughout our journey in life, we are all slowly learning how to love not only ourselves but others.  The word "love" is used to describe many different emotions and physical states, but it is hard to pin point what the word really means.  In the dictionary, there are several definitions; a profoundly tender passionate affection for another person, sexual passion or desire, to need or require, benefit greatly from, to take great pleasure in.  All of these are true for what we describe with the word love, but not all states of love are healthy for us to be in.  For example, to need or require another person puts us in a very vulnerable and dependent position.  Sexual passion and desire can blind us from reality and rob us of our self awareness.  To benefit greatly from someone means that we are using them to fulfill a personal need.  How do we love without depending, using, needing and possessing?

There is no doubt in my mind that my family loved me.  Healthy or not, there is a bond between family members that cannot be broken.  When the love that you have received from your family is unhealthy, it takes a lot of work to redevelop your understanding of the feelings that are associated with the word.  Love to me meant a need that can't be fulfilled, it meant a responsibility to people who just keep taking, it meant staying in a harmful situation because you are dependent, and it meant that the other people possess a part of you.  After being told that love meant self sacrificing because of an obligation to always be there for the people who love you, I never wanted to feel love again.

I took back my power by deciding that I would never love.  If I never felt attached to anyone, then I could never be hurt by them.  It was the only way that I could reclaim myself.  For so long, I was whoever my family needed me to be.  By loving me only when I did what they wanted, they took away my freedom.  I didn't know it at the time, but my stage of complete selfish living was the first step to transforming the way I am capable of loving.  First, one must be free of all relationships that have boxed them in.  To find oneself, you have to be given the freedom to be selfish and find out who you are while standing alone.  I stood alone for many years; dating but never loving.  I had so much power and control when I felt nothing.  It was a very safe place for me to be; untouchable, unaffected, closed off and alone.  

When I painted this painting, I was dating someone who had been hurt as badly by his family as I had.  It was the first time that I wanted to have feelings for someone.  I knew what he was feeling and I wanted to fix it by loving him.  The only problem was that he was where I was a year earlier.  He constantly said things like: "I never want to fall in love, I don't want to be in a serious relationship, I only want to be selfish."  Watching him be in his closed off state shut down to all emotion and connection made me realize that this was not a state I wanted to remain in.  So, I started to transform the way I related to others.  I began to look at what I wanted love to mean to me.  How did I want to feel in love?  These words are what resonated through me when defining love.

I want to love someone without feeling jealousy.  I want to always be happy in their happiness.  I want to love without needing.  Being around the other person will always be a choice never an obligation.  I want to relate to them and never be dependent on them.  I know that I can stand alone.  I no longer need anyone.  My love will simply be based on the pleasure I feel when I am around them never the feeling that I cannot make it without them.  I want to love them without possessing them.  They will never belong to me.  They will have complete freedom as will I.  We will give one another the freedom to be oneself and we will continue to learn about one another and relate to one another in each transformation we go through.  Until I feel all of these things, I will not love.  Now that I have the choice, this is the only love I want in my life.